Truth Blog

July 16th, 2020

#1- My Purpose

Right now, the purpose of this blog is TRUTH. I want to put more truth out into the world so that I can receive it back.  It is best to start with my truth, my naked, uncensored, unapologetic, fearless, possibly offending, but always loving, truth.

Why truth? Because anything else is false. After so many painful lies, false beliefs, and secrets, I have learned that if you want truth in your life, you have to want all of it. You can’t pick what truths you want. The best way for me to have more truth in my life is to put my truth out to the world. My purpose is to share my truth and show the world that I am ready for the honest, blunt, beautiful, exposing, uplifting, enlightening, truth and all that will come with it.

I once heard a saying that “if something can be destroyed by the truth, it should be.” The fact is that, we avoid this concept constantly. It is undeniable and frankly, kind of funny, the aversions we have to truth.  We protect the truth as if only some are capable of handling it or worthy of it. Truth is not seen as a black and white fact, but a moldable rainbow we each feel entitled to manipulate as we please. I am not different from other there. I have made a very intentional effort to curb this deep threaded habit, but white lies still roll off my tongue to ease a blow, avoid conflict and diffuse, or even get something I want.

I have a friend that kissed a woman that is not his wife. He hasn’t told his wife. I haven’t told his wife. Maybe his wife does not want to know. He wants to pretend it doesn’t matter and that telling her would make things worse. I tell myself it is not my place and I do not want to cause either of them more pain. However, the truth is that he kissed another woman. Feelings and fears aside, the truth is there, and any forward movement would include it. So why do we wait? Why do I tell myself that she wouldn’t want to know, and I am not the person to tell her? Maybe she does want to know and I am the only way she would ever see the cracks she rests her marriage on. If I truly loved both of them and myself I would probably talk to him first. I may stress the necessity of truth needed for any healing and that I may even see it as my duty to tell her the truth if he cannot. I would want that. I would want a friend to tell me. I would want that truth. But here I sit, actively avoiding truth and not wanting to continue writing this because of how uncomfortable it makes me.

I hope that this blog can show me and the universe how much I want truth and when I am actively avoiding it.  I can only receive what I am willing to give and this will be one of the many platforms I hope to employ my truth through. I look forward to revealing my secrets, exposing who I truly am and what I am doing with my truths. So far, I can say that being more truthful has been extremely confronting. The demolition of my false self has left me the most vulnerable, broken and fearful I have ever consciously experienced. But leaving that false and un-truthful Justin behind has also brought me into the best life I have ever witnessed. It is magnificent. I am serious, my life is phenomenal at this very moment. So, bring on the truth. Bring on the necessary destruction and let the eternal love and growth begin.

 In all the previous years of my life, I had never experienced anger like that. At the time, this anger scared me and created an element of myself I did not know or believe to be possible. Now I see why that anger grew, boiled and overflowed so rapidly. I understand why it became a part of me and its purpose.

The moment we got married the ugly truth appeared. My truth was that I married him because I knew he would never leave me. He was not a wanderer and truly saw me as the beautiful partner he had always dreamed about. We obviously felt like we had a lot in common too. Our values appeared to be the same and the kind of lives we desired had similar paths of trajectory. My deepest pain is not being lovable and feeling inherently this way. On the surface he soothed this.  Unfortunately, the warmth he wrapped me in blinded me to everything else. I refused to acknowledge avoiding pain as my motivation. Frankly, I wasn’t even slightly aware of it. No conscious part of my thoughts said anything remotely connected to these feelings when we became husband and wife. The fear and pain of a life spent alone and unloved stirred continually in me, but at such depths I suppressed awareness of how that pain controlled me. My decision making was based on this pain and the promise of a man that would eternally love me, did not warrant a second to ponder.

I did him wrong in this way. I did not love him unconditionally. His existence in my life had an expectation attached to him, ‘love me, no matter what’. I thought I loved him, and there were so so many things about him that I did love. But this promise to never leave and sooth the belief that I am inherently unlovable, blinded me to the rest of the facts. The facts being that he had a drinking and lying problem. The facts being that I was not coming into our marriage whole. We were both broken and found crutches.

Putting my foot through the wall one night when he was drunk and angry, opened my eyes to how bad things were. If I had listened to my anger I would have seen how unloving and cruel our interactions were, but until then, I had ignored its severity. I would have felt the massive grief being protected by the anger, but instead, I raged and fought. I thought this was the loving thing to do. I thought that sticking around, battling it out, taking the abuse and giving it, was just part of the dance and had to be pushed through. If I was a good wife and loving human, I would not leave but sacrifice all of myself to make this work. Then, slowly, I learned that love does not do these things. Love does not sacrifice, battle or put holes in walls. I learned that I could not rely on him to love me, but that I would have to learn I was worthy of love alone.  

And that was the end of love as I knew it. That was the end of the love I had spend all of my life giving and receiving. That was when love became something completely new and looked nothing like the past. That old love almost destroyed me, but a new love has brought me life.

As the class nuisance, he was loud, obnoxious and not very smart. But then there I was, sitting alone with him in our designated reading group. There were two other reading groups too: the smart kids, which included my best friend, and the average group, which was the vast majority of the classroom. It must have been the first time I was put into a group with distinct divisions and hierarchy associated with our individual skills or traits. The segregation from my peers in blatant response to my worth and capacities, hit my like a ton of bricks. As I sat with this boy, the most painful belief slowly burned into my consciousness: I was inherently less capable, than those around me.

Concepts of being able to do whatever I chose never made sense to me after that. I had been shown how simply being me, was less than average, and my life as Justin would not only disappoint myself, but my family.  No one realized how a year of placing me in the distinctly ‘lowest reading group’, paired with unsuccessful hooked-on-phonics sessions with my discouraged Dad, would instill such a damaging belief about myself. A stamp had been placed on my forehead that read, “will always struggle and never achieve much”.

Now looking back, I can see how many choices I made and opportunities I turned down, because of how little belief I had in my core self. I always had good grades and kept up as best as I could, but I drifted towards the arts and away from any path needing intelligence or vigor to pursue. Art, at least, could not be done wrong and so few made it in that word, little expectations were put on me. I accepted that a life powered by my own capacities wouldn’t amount to much and I stripped myself of any real worth.

My support system, seeing me struggle with school, opted to not give me false hope as the years moved on, and they lowered their expectations. College was a question mark, and even in sports, I was given more suggestions than praise.  With such little self-esteem any pressure to perform crushed me and it was easier to lay low or stick to areas that did not include possible failures.

Just because I believed that my abilities were greatly below par, didn’t mean I lacked dreams. It is because of those dreams that I decided to truly turn my back on myself and try something new. Life had given me lemons, but I did not think they were worthy of lemonade. I figured I better try fruit punch. The self grooming started early as I learned to be a kind person with few opinions and to always act as the peacekeeper.  Being well behaved, modest, generally like-able and not too much of any one thing, felt safe. People liked this non-threatening and sweet Justin. It is only now that I can see how much of myself I had turned off in total suppression. But I get it, why hold on to something that had so little potential? Why would I settle for, “will always struggle and never achieve much”.  So I developed an eating disorder, stayed neutral and strives for perfection where I though I could mold myself.  I learned that I could not rely on myself to pursue my dreams and sot others out to help me achieve them instead.

If only I knew for all of those years the truth. The truth of course, being that I am my biggest asset and all of the emotions, desires and curiosities within me would lead me to greatness. No one stopped to tell me that my brain was not broken, my talents were actually unique and that because of these special qualities, I could have a life perfectly curated to fit my soul. If I had only known that my story would not look like anyone else’s and that this gift of uniqueness is given to all of us, I could have turned inside for the answers.

As these truths have come into my awareness, I reflect on their potency and grandeur. It is not too late to dig up this black, ashy belief, festering in my side that keeps me from my unadulterated authenticity. It is not too late to challenge my habits, experiment with this new truth and not back down to the fears that arise along the way. The truths within me are already guiding me to a life I never thought possible, but there is still blocks to break down.

I do not know exactly what my heart desires. Those dreams were silenced to avoid the pain of never receiving them, long ago. However, glimmers of them are still here.  I can feel them when I am writing, designing, holding a kitten, in the depths of nature and sharing meaningful time with others. My ears are listening and eyes open to discover more about the Justin that walked into first grade with her head high, filled with beliefs of her possibilities. I know that the universe wants me to get back to that place and run along the path that perfectly meanders to all of my passions and desires. As the fog clears and I push through my fears, I know that I have everything inside of me I need to live the most abundant, magnificent, loving and perfectly Justin-made life imaginable.

ONE

I know my purpose. I am more in touch with why I am on this planet than ever before. Prior to all of the conditioning, cultural influences and advice on how to live, I was a unique and individual soul. I came into this world with a flavor and essence unlike anyone now, before  or that will come. The path to this part of me is though my truths. By listening to my true heart desires, pursuing my passions and speaking my voice, I have tuned into truly magnificent parts of myself.  These long suppressed gifts are showing me who and what I can be in this world. I am connecting the dots to my highest purpose and having the time of my life along the way

Two

I know my strengths. I have stopped being who I thought I should be and have discovered attributes about myself that far exceed my expectations. I have uncovered that I am a designer and that my brain comes to the world in its own analytical way. I have begun to own my drive and my will and can see how they bring me to each situation as an individual. By embracing my strengths I have stopped trying to cultivate attribute am not naturally within me. I have peace knowing that everything I need is already a part of me and that I simply need to keep pursuing those inner strengths.

Three

I have meaningful relationships. No more unauthentic connections. They are truthful, open, honest and have everyone’s best interest in mind. We do not provide insincere comments or feedback. By taking responsibility for ourselves we are incredibly compassionate for each other because we know that we are each striving for truth and love. Expectations are curbed and we each come as we are. Even when those around me do not come with truth, I am able to love them and not shy down from my truth.

Four

I am becoming a more loving person. Being truthful about my unloving actions is incredibly confronting. It is also the quickest way to make a change. I could not lie to myself that eating animals was unloving. Once that truth hit, me it was easy to not just stop eating meat, but all animal products. When I am truthful about the parts of my life that are even the most ‘normal’, I am able to assess their true impact on me and my world. It is from this place that I can truly choose the most loving actions.

Five

Nothing can take away my integrity. When I act, think and feel from my inner truth, I am untouchable. I can loose all of me money, all of my friends and as long as I keep developing my true inner self, it can never be taken away from me. I will always know who I am, what I can offer, how loving I am and what my purpose on this planet is.

Six

My physical body is healthier. With all of this mental and spiritual health reaching new heights, my physical body is not far behind. It has seamlessly shown changes as my truth and love grows. My skin is clearer, I have lost unneeded pounds, I am stronger and illness free. Loving myself has effortlessly created more caring rituals for my body and I find more joy in its maintenance. Beyond my own loving actions, a sort of miracle has occurred that I do not attribute to any routine, product or diet. My body has simply responded to me living in my truth and becoming more loving. I never thought it could be so easy

Seven

I feel my emotions, just as they are. This is the most important and vital part of my truth puzzle. My emotions are what help me know the truth. They are truly the real guide. When I choose to let them show up exactly how they are, all the answers, maps and wisdom I need, are there. Allowing the uncomfortable anger, paralyzing fear and earth-shattering grief is still not easy. I am still actively suppressing emotions every day, that is the truth. But where I am, compared to even 3 years ago, is a truly magnificent place and I have the inner wisdom and truth of my emotions to attribute that to.  How to feel, process and honor them is something I have learned so much about, and I really hope to share my journey with whomever also desires truth.

It has been delivered with a smile and admiration for my progress, but also not. If my change isn’t obvious to those around me, they must not know me very well. Few parts of my life stayed stagnant. I sometimes look back to where I was, and only because I have walked every inch of the path, can I begin to believe it all happened. It is hard to comprehend all of my immense, positive, changes. But for some, this change had not been to their liking.

Before these evolutions, I was a kind and caring person. I took care of others and put myself second. I could not justify my opinion being voiced if it caused too much discord. People generally liked me. As my internal healing has evolved, a lot of my loving traits are still intact, but look different. Honestly, my loving traits have exploded and expanded! The love I have for myself, my parents, my partner, my friends, the animals, the forest, the ocean and all the beautiful beings on this planet, hardly compare to my previous capacity to love. My love is stronger and clearer, but different, nonetheless.

The difference came when I began to understand unconditional love. Unconditional love is truthful, and never sacrifices one’s self. Our culture, by the way, does not condone unconditional love. We are taught to be codependent early on. The lessons come from parents and care givers and (in my example), raise us to be well behaved fibbers, that deny our truths and feelings. When I began to understand unconditional love, I had to stop lying and pretending to love. I saw how what looked like love, might actually be dishonest. I realized how much my little or white lies protected me and those around me and I stopped playing the co-depended game.

Once my voice was found and I began telling it how things were and acting from my authentic desires, the world began changing around me. I left my husband, my Dad and I had our first of many explosive arguments, I quit more than one of my many jobs, I said goodbye to some friends and stopped living for anyone but myself. Sounds brutal, but it was the most freedom and vitality I had ever experienced in my life! I became myself, for what felt like, the first time. I was finally listening to my inner truth. I cannot express into word the change in vitality and exuberance I began experiencing for life.

The road to unconditional love, for myself and others, has challenged those around me. Being truly loving can actually feel painful at first. This is one greatly misunderstood element to unconditional love. When I no longer pick up the pieces of others’ shortcomings, spoke up for myself and insist on truthful relations, I often hear, “you’ve changed.” Those saying this, were referring to the fact that they did not like me standing up to them, demanding open, honest conversations and following my new moral compass. These people liked the ‘less-healthy’ me. The new and more loving Justin, was too difficult to control and no longer allowed their bad treatment of her to continue.

Even when an unloving relationship ends, it is can still be sad me. In the moment, I feel the loss of a friend, and wish they understood who I now am. But even with the difficult goodbye, moving forward is an easy decision. The benefits outweigh the risk a thousand-fold! Wonderful new relationship and opportunities also replaced the old almost instantly. Goodbye is also never forever, and paths cross again. I am going to keep doing this truth thing and plan to keep hearing, ‘you’ve changed’ forever.

 

It felt inappropriate and disrespectful to even myself. A part of me wants to blame these feelings solely on my religious upbringing, but I would be forgetting my parents and of course, the social norms of my community. The collage of these influences are both broad and deep, but either way, I felt nudity was wrong and immoral.

Living on an island in the middle of the Pacific as given me the opportunity to question, experiment with and debunk that belief. I have been here almost five years and during this time my thoughts about nudity, bare skin and modesty have completely transformed. Being naked is not sexual, not immodest, or inappropriate. It is only our thoughts that make it this way. Sure, wearing very little clothing can be intended to draw sexual attention and be used for immoral power. This is an unhealthy and abusive use of our bodies. I will be the first to say that I have allowed vanity, manipulative and even seductive intentions to dress or undress me. It is common place as a western female and there are few parts of my world that don’t encourage and even reward these actions. More recently, I have been experimenting with removing the sexual and provocative attitudes from my existence in the world. I’ve rewired my mindset around it. Making nudity and very little clothing, not just healthy, but a comfortable expression of my raw human body, has provided me with immense gifts and humility.

Allowing my body to be as it is for all to see, has forced me to love myself or crumble inside. Being naked at home has brought the truth of my skin to my attention. Clothes not only hide my insecurities from others, but myself.  Sitting on the edge of my bed, facing myself in the mirror, the stomach roles, wild tan lines, lumpy thighs and wrinkles are all there. In those moments I can be angry and disgusted, plotting their downfall and disguise. If I feel those things, I allow them to exist, grieve and flow with the frustration, but then also choose to see what else is there.  That reflection is who I am in that very moment. Every cell that makes up my body is there for a reason, and the physical manifestations of each cell has deep emotional meaning. I have created, maintained, and existed every day in this body. It is the only physical thing I completely own! That is me. If I don’t like a part of it, well I have the ability to do something about it. One of those options is to learn to love it. Seeing the strength, beauty, function and uniqueness has brought about completely new and deeper love for myself. The rawness of those physical cells is very powerful and exposing them to myself, those close to me, and strangers, has replaced the icky-ness with love and gratitude.

I love the freedom babies and toddlers get to explore nude on the beach. Basking in the sun, sand and water, they are experiencing the world in their truest and most exposed way. They do not question or fear this experience, they have not learned to yet. It is impossible for me to not smile when I watch these little pie-wagons explore with sandy bottoms. But this existence only lasts a few years. As adults we fear our thoughts and to make it easy deem all nudity as inappropriate. Nudity is shamed and conformity to that shame keeps everyone safe.  Instead, we should check ourselves and see that perhaps our thoughts are what name nudity immoral and threatening. It is not the bare skin that we all live in that is wrong, it is our beliefs about it.  If we could all spend more time naked, I truly think we would take loving ourselves and the responsibilities of that, to a whole new level.

And as you may have guessed, I love swimming, sunbathing, doing my laundry and living life naked now. If I ever care for a child, I also plan to never stop them from being naked in private or public. They will know that their body is always appropriate, it is simply thoughts and intentions that get in the way of that.

I told her, “You will not be married, you will actually already be divorced. You will not have children or a dog. You will have spent thousands, upon thousands, on a degree and after years of investing into your career, you will discover it takes way more form you than it gives. You will actually be unemployed and in a pretty scary financial situation.”⁠

I was about to tell her that,  “Even with all of that, don’t be mistaken. You will be living a truly incredible and an beautiful life. It will be more even better than you think”, but I had to stop. As I saw her curiosity turn to complete sorrow, I knew that it did not matter what good there still might be, because those were her biggest dreams. All of the good I wanted to share with her needed to wait.  It was time to let her grieve.”⁠

As I watched each spark within her dim and die, a flood of tears began to flow. Since she had been so little the story that had gotten her through so much, had just been taken away. When life had been too painful to endure, she had fallen back on these dreams to the point that they were able to take her away and transport her to the peace and comforts of what was surly to come.

Peter Pan told Wendy, John and Michael, that all they needed to fly was a happy-thought. I had just taken the happy thoughts she had used ever since she watch those children fly from their bedroom windows. At the cusp of her new beginnings, at 23 and so ready to finally make those dreams a reality, with so much to look forward to, how could I ever console her? How could I explain? Because in truth, I still felt her grieve. It was still mine.

So instead of convincing her it would all be ok, I accepted that I could not. A this moment she just needed the sorrow to be heard and accepted so that it could fulfill its duty. All I could do was let her exist in this truth. So together we crumbled.

“I am sorry”

“I am so sorry!!”

“Some day you will  create new dreams and explore the good that has come from this, but today, I honor and morn this loss. The only thoughts that kept you pushing so hard, will not be easily forgotten and to live life without them will take courage and optimism. But for now, the darkness and fear that always hooved so near, needs to be felt.”

We grieved as the happy-thoughts turned to dust.

“I am sorry, so sorry.”

…

This return to old and getting absorbed in the emotions, may look counter productive to some. I highly disagree. Discrediting the heart’s need to process through the feelings and express it’s self, is the only way for it to grow.

Consciously, I aware of how good it all is right now, but sometimes my heart is not. The thought of my younger self struck me with such intensity a few days ago. I became so aware of her hope, her fears and her motivations. I truly could not imagine sharing with her what her future life would look like. Not because of it being bad, but she would be so confused. If only I could explain to her that her heart’s desires would look so much different that she thought and yet, she would still be living a life beyond her wildest imagination. Maybe then I could convince her of something. But I also realized that she would still need to morn her happy-thoughts. As I continue to let go of what I ‘think’ I want and let the world guide my heart instead, I do feel grief. It is a natural part of the destruction of my errors and rebuilding of my truth.  

If I could only guess what future Justin will be saying to current me in another 10 years!

That’s all I knew about her and it was enough to make my stomach drop and my chest fill with anxiety and fear.  She was an exchange student and the first of many that my family would host. It sounded fun and because I had always wanted a sister, I was originally all for it. As we read through bios and picked out the students that stood out to us the most, Sarah quickly made it to the top of the list. I cannot quite remember exactly how it all went down, but when we saw her pictures, my parents got excited. One was of her playing the drums and it broke me.

My Dad was a drummer in a band, and we had a drum set in our house. I have never really connected with my Dad musically or felt like I had captured my Dad’s overall approval, for that matter. I am sure he felt very different, but nonetheless, it was real for me. The idea of a really awesome older sister showing up that might finally fill the role I had been struggling to attain, destroyed me.

To this day I struggle with comparison and fear of being replaced. Celebration of other women is not particularly difficult, and I have surrounded myself with truly amazing ladies. I value them all in so many ways and have learned to honor all their unique strengths and capacities.  But I will occasionally experience my guts hitting the floor, believing they might outshine me. The anxiety creeps in with such voracity, that I find myself fearing total demise. In no way do I want them to shines less, but by not equaling them, I am somehow doomed.  That deep belief, no matter how much I want to ignore it, is still here. It is an old error belief that consciously I can debunk, but I have not been able to uproot its emotional existence.

Sarah ended up being awesome and in no way replaced me. I honestly don’t think she played the drums while she lived with us either. Learning that my unique soul has its own place in this world, that is in no way more or less than anyone else’s, is still evolving. I am still asking the universe to show me the truth about this, but for now I am choosing to celebrate myself and the amazing women around me. Consciously, this error belief is mostly cleared up, but it is with humility and truth that I acknowledge an emotional root still embedded within me. I hope that through forgiveness, asking God for the truth, and a desire to feel and release this belief, it will eventually dissolve.

We are all here to live a life that is no more glorious, magnificent, or powerful than anyone else’s. There has been so much hierarchy created and praise for being more than others that we have forgotten to empower what is inherently magnificent within us. No one can replace me. This universe has a unique space and time just for my soul and it is no less glorious then the time and space created for Beyoncé. 

I started by thanking each part for all it had done and celebrating its gifts. I then apologized for all the mistreatment, mentality and physically, it had endured over the years and forgave it for any short comings. I ended by telling each individual part of me that I love it.

I was surprised by how much gratitude I had for me feet. They do so much for me and I have never really given them their deserved credit. I had a lot of apologizing to do with my stomach and skin but when it came to my hair, nothing to complain about there. I got to my hair and basically did not even feel like I had to do the exercise. I loved my hair and we were on great terms. As nice as it was to instantly have total acceptance and love for this one part of my body, I was also alarmed by the different and distinct energy I had for it compared to the entire rest of me!

I observed this realization at more depth in the days that followed. I began to see that my hair was not just something I loved and could not find anything wrong with, but much much more. It had become my identity. I have kept it long for that last 15 years and have never kept it short, ever. I had come to know my hair as something that others value. I was wearing it as my most loveable accessory and it held me apart. It had become the most beautiful and important part of me. I realized that I did not believe anything in or on me was more loveable. WTF!

These are the kind of realizations that emerge when you are honest and curious about life. I did not think there was a problem with my hair, and maybe you could say that there wasn’t exactly, but my belief system around it was really backwards. I shared this with my boyfriend and his answer was, “well you better cut it all off.” The thought of it was hilarious! Yeah right!!! I would never cut my hair off, but here I am, only a month later with hair above my shoulders.

 The truth is that I don’t want my hair to be my MVP. It is just my hair. I want to feel that same perfection and acceptance for every part of my existence.  Could letting it go be the answer to exposing what I have been hiding behind? How did my golden, sun bleached locks allow me to continue dishonoring all the rest of me?

With this new short hair, I am already feeling things I did not expect. I am actually falling in love with it! Its so easy and there are way more fun things I can do with it. The hang up is in how others will perceive me. I still find myself needing others to find me beautiful and now I must believe this is still possible without the extra hair. What a great challenge! 

I once heard a woman say something really profound right after she had shaved her head. I didn’t really understand it and thought the was a little crazy for cutting all of her hair off to the scalp but I think I get it a little more more. She said, “if something scares the hell out of you, you should probably go do it.” I did not shave my head, not even close really, but I am choosing truth and love of myself over vanity. I am exploring who Justin is without the hair. I am learning, forgiving, apologizing and getting closer to the true me that ever before.

I have not talked publicly much about my divorce to respect all those involved. It is an incredibly complex situation that not a single post or even an hour-long conversation could shine proper light on. However, I want to open myself up to speaking more about my experience because I don’t think there is enough honest talk about divorce or the beautiful lessons that can come from something seemingly dark.

Before I got married, I saw divorce as a failure rooted in dumb mistakes (that were totally avoidable) and/or, the people involved had just given up (also avoidable). I believed I was immune to divorce and I guess most people that get married must feel the same way. So when a month into my married I started hearing my myself say, “if we were still dating, I would leave”, I just could not wrap my mind  how I could be thinking that or accept what was actually happening.

It took three years for me to move out. During those three years I undertook massive change and growth. One could even speculate that had I not embraced the massive transformation I went through,  I may still be with him. I would still be trying to fix him, not taking responsibility for my own actions and emotions, hiding behind fear and judgement, and believing that divorce would be nothing less than a failure. I would be beating myself up and judging myself for an experience that would be essential for my soul’s growth.

Truth be told, my marriage was the worst and best thing that has ever happened to me. It was the worst because of how unloving and based in untruths the marriage was. It was the best because of where I am now and all that I got to learn during it. I believed something better was possible and I went looking for it. Authors, teachers and most importantly, personal experiences began to open my life up to the power of truth and love in a way I had never known. I began putting these new concepts into practice and things started to change, drastically.

I believed things did not have to be as miserable as they were and after trying everything I knew how to, I broke down and prayed for help.  Accepting that what I knew had obviously been wrong, I started clearing the slate of my past beliefs, allowing my honest feelings to exist, questioning my religious teachings, cultural norms and common courtesies. Allowing everything I had founded my life on to be in question, was a monumental undertaking.  At times, it left me so angry at the lies I had been raised with, including the promise of what marriage would be, that I had no faith in the world. I gave up on my future or any real reason to continue.  But this destruction and restructuring that has followed, has left me with a foundation based in the divine love and truth of the universe.  From this new knowledge, I feel I can navigate anything. This kind of love and truth is nothing I had ever learned about before or experienced in my life and I am eternally grateful for its birth into my existence.

I plan to talk more about my marriage, as well as this new love and truth, in the future. There is no need to blame or even vent about what happened. The truth is potent enough and I do not desire to create more drama or confusion around this issue.  I only hope is that by reaching in and pulling out some of my truths, other can perhaps be spared some of the unnecessary pain I endured. And if they are already in the pain, discover a new and more loving way out.

All the things I deeply feared not having. Even if one of those things fell short, at least the other two could hold us up, right?

But the truth is that I did not find any of these things in my marriage.

As I currently consider a sizable transition in my life, I am taken back to leaving my ex-husband. After years of heartache, and finally deciding I had to leave, I still moved at a snail’s pace. Leaving or disrupting my awesome house, the things I had filled it with, the animals we shared it with, the bank accounts we had grown and the any bit or normalcy I believed to exist, was horrifying.

I stuck around because there was security. I really feared lack of stability so deeply that I was willing to put up with my unhealthy marriage for it.

When I finally did leave, it was to my parent’s house. I never knew that them buying a house just a few minutes up the road from me would provide the support I needed to finally make my huge transition. I left the massive amount of security I felt in my marriage, for just a little less at my folk’s place.  

It took courage, but not as much had I truly took flight under my own power. I was still working and living in the same community, and while I had left a lot behind, I knew I wasn’t destined for the streets.

I know that “destined for the streets” sounds dramatic but fears are dramatic. They wouldn’t be as powerful as they are if we didn’t believe these things to be possible at some deep core level. As a matter of fact, if I truly felt will all my heart that I would not be homeless, loveless, and poor, I would have left my husband much earlier. I would have never married him at all. The fear of being alone, broke, and futureless was real, even if not in my conscious thoughts. 

This realization has taken me back. It is back to a time that some may say represents a past life, but I relate it more to the women at came before me and that I share blood with, my ancestors. I think back to when I was only worth my dowry and the good (or bad) fortunes of my husband. (God willing, I had one! Anyone been watching Bridgerton!!?? Triggering!) This total reliance on others still lingers in my bones. I can feel the calling to take shelter in this old arrangement.  

We find so much security in marriage, partnership and home. The sacrifices I was willing to make truly spoke to the fears I had without it.

As I look to my next big transition, my fears about stability and security are back. This time it is way different! I have a partner that I truly love and am not with for security of anything. His love is a gift, and I receive it as that. I am still doing my best to not attach any expectations to him, but those that remain are a far cry from the past! As for other things… It this transition does happen, I will be leaving the home I have rebuilt, the amazingly loving and supportive community right out my font door, and the consistent paycheck I had relied on for years. I am also not running away from anything this time. This move or transition is simply for growth, which makes it almost harder to leave the beautiful life I have. I could potentially stay here, in this lovely room, with these great people and have a fine life for many year ( insert: The saga of a surf or ski bum). But there are things that require me to stretch my wings that I greatly desire.

So here I am. Stepping out of my security again, and this time, embracing my fear, but not acting from it. I am feeling all the emotions, listening to all the aches and pains, and learning the lessons. I know that suppressing, and ignoring this fear of fleeting security will block me from seeing what it is I truly want. Letting it flow is a must.

Stepping off cliffs, jumping out of airplanes and diving deep into the ocean are all scary things, but unless we do them, we will only be able to listen to the tales of others. Our experiences will be limited to their stories and descriptions, and as we ask them to tell us again, deep inside of us, we will yearn for the courage to feel, see and taste as they did.

As he nearly brushed the ground with his chest he left behind a scattering of feathers. It reminded me of a molting bird. He shot to the sky, unphased. As I approached the feathers their brilliant hue revealed itself. A pure milk white, clean and fresh as snow was starkly contrast by a green that shimmered blues and purple like that of the boastful peacock.

The first feather was downy and only a few inches in length and the next was still the green and white but a slightly different pattern and larger. Each feather grew in length as I picked them up, and had different marking. With a handful of feathers, I admired their beauty and what good luck I had. Before I turned to go Kyle, standing still farther from where I had began gathering the feathers pointed to the largest and most impressive of them. It was a flight feather about 2 feet in length. It base was white, then a small band of the emerald green crossed it horizontally, followed by another bold arching white and finished with a stiff, point of green. Standing to my right of the feather Kyle proclaimed with a similar excited to my own, “don’t forget this one!”. My hand reached down and gathered the last of my weightless but yet breathtaking treasure.

Kyle remembers his dreams with such clarity I wonder, I could not recall my previous day the way he describes them. Today, although short, I got to share this beautiful dream with him. I quicky turned to the nearest dream translator I could find, the internet, and searched eagle feathers. The first things that came up was good enough for me and my search ended with: “your inner dreams will come to fruition.” The green and white colors took me but a second to decrypt as well. White represented the unconditional love of the universe, pure, brilliant and untouchable. The green represented the earth and the heart chakra.

I totally believe this prophecy to be true. Over the last three or four years I have slowly, but very intentionally, removed anything that was not a loving, soul desire and consciously pursued that which was. I have slowly let go of things that were not connected to the deepest part of me, but only after ensuring I was not acting to avoid or overlook fear and pain.  My organized religion, my marriage, jobs, a career, relationships, habits and physical things have all been downsized, or removed all togethers.

When I look at what is in my life right now, I see a myriad of all the best parts of me. Art, deep friendships, honest and pure relationships, work that I hardly feel is work, but a great way to spend any free time, gardening, cooking and now bee keeping have all poured out of me. I still allow the shackles of my early beliefs to creep in at times. My soul desires have grown, but I am still pulling the weeds. These weeds, or false beliefs, are why I am still hesitant to let go completely and free fall into my destiny. They are the belief of scarcity, original sin, a punishing universe and that love must be earned.

But in 10 years for now I know that I will have more of what is within my heart and less of these false beliefs will have been pulled. Those feathers are just an omen to my future, a reminder that I am truly here. I am among my hearts desires and must continue to challenge my false beliefs and not let my fear and pain hold me back.